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April 30, 2013
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I spent last night
connecting the freckles on your chest
with ever-so-soft finger traces,
creating our own constellations
in these new milky ways
that erupt into existence wherever we touch.

The cool caress of your fingers across my lips
makes my every nerve ending awaken,
craving the unknown taste of yours.
But you don't allow me the indulgence,
leaving me to desperately breathe you in
like you are nothing but a passing breeze.

I savour how you shudder:
a silent sigh of your body
as my hand brushes
the top of your spine,
and the way the little hairs rise
into the glow of the moonlight
that slow-dances in the air above your skin.

And now I believe
you truly can fall in love
in one night.
:iconplusfave1plz::iconplusfave2plz::iconplusfave3plz::bulletwhite::iconccwelcomedplz1::iconccwelcomedplz2:

:bulletred: Is the imagery effective?
:bulletblue: Are there any parts that are awkwardly worded or unclear?
:bulletgreen: Is a seductive atmosphere successfully evoked?
:bulletyellow: What is your favourite line? :)

:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:
İAdrienne Paynter
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:iconriencuran:
Riencuran Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Student General Artist
1) Extremely effective.  I felt like I was in a soft blue dream, if that makes any sense.
2) Not unclear at all.  Got it.
3) Deliciously so :D
4) "creating our own constellations
in these new milky ways
that erupt into existence wherever we touch"

I'm fighting the intense feelings of longing and loneliness and just want to curl up in this poem forever.
Reply
:iconurban-lingo:
urban-lingo Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
the entire third stanza is beautiful.
"i savor how you shudder" is definitely going to haunt me for the next few days, months, maybe years.

you just can't forget a line like that
:heart:
Reply
:iconjemz8p:
jemz8P Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Student General Artist
I love this, the imagery and analogies are perfect. This poem makes me want to paint. It's just AWESOME. My favourite line is " that slow-dances in the air above your skin"
Reply
:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner May 17, 2013
Yes at the effective imagery, yes at the seductive atmosphere.
As for the awkward wording, there are two things I don't find utterly convincing:
makes my every nerve ending awaken,
craving the unknown taste of yours.

The repetition just bugs me a little. A tiny rewording, like "my every nerve end" or just "my every nerve", should take care of that.
And:
leaving me to desperately breathe you in
I don't quite like that "desperately"; it rings out of place with the quiet mood of the poem overall, and it doesn't really add anything to what the images in the rest of the stanza have already shown.

Favourite line, hands down:
The cool caress of your fingers across my lips
The alliterations gives it a spiky feel that really explains the awoken nerve endings and the crave in the following lines.
Reply
:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner May 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've read this twice now, and I still love it! :heart:

I spent last night
connecting the freckles on your chest
with ever-so-soft finger traces,
creating our own constellations
in these new milky ways
that erupt into existence wherever we touch.


and

I savour how you shudder:
a silent sigh of your body
as my hand brushes
the top of your spine,
:heart:

I wasn't sure of one thing, though:

and the way the little hairs rise
into the glow of the moonlight
that slow-dances in the air above your skin.
Maybe cut the last line in this? It felt really awkward while reading, and I think it still has that same image when you cut it off. But it's only opinion, no need to take it seriously. c:
Reply
:iconsilverscreams999:
SilverScreams999 Featured By Owner May 15, 2013
I liked the description of sliding a hand up/down the spine
Reply
:iconterrifiedtoforgetyou:
TerrifiedToForgetYou Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's like I am actually there. I love the imagery and how real you make things. The description of the skin and touch make me believe all love could be this simple and beautiful.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much, I'm glad. :)
Reply
:iconmkota:
Mkota Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Student Writer
Great work I could see it in my minds eye. I was there . I still am there. Thank you
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
Reply
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