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World through the words by SuperGirlSwag


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Submitted on
April 30, 2013
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With ever-so-soft finger traces,
I connect the freckles on your chest,
creating our own constellations
in the new milky ways
that erupt into existence wherever we touch.

Your cool caress across my lips
makes my every nerve awaken,
craving the unknown taste of yours.
But you hold back,
leaving me to longingly breathe you in
like a passing summer breeze.

I savour how you shudder,
a silent sigh of your body
as my hand brushes
the top of your spine,
and the way the little hairs rise
into the glow of the moonlight
that slow-dances in the air above your skin.

And tonight
I wouldn't mind if the sun forgot to come up.
:iconplusfave1plz::iconplusfave2plz::iconplusfave3plz::bulletwhite::iconccwelcomedplz1::iconccwelcomedplz2:

:bulletred: Is the imagery effective?
:bulletblue: Are there any parts that are awkwardly worded or unclear?
:bulletgreen: Is a seductive atmosphere successfully evoked?
:bulletyellow: What is your favourite line? :)

:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:
İAdrienne Paynter
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:icondevilsmatrix:
Ello :)

Im really liking this one right now. I love how you've taken a series of physical actions and made them so much more deep and given them an emotional impact. I think the ending of this one is very strong, I love it. And the references you make to stars throughout the first stanza make it so lovely and other-worldly. I was thinking, if you kept with the same sort of space-theme, it would become a really cool theme. Something you could try:)

Favourite line/s Im gunna say is
I savour how you shudder,
a silent sigh of your body

I think thats just perfect, it really resonates with me. This whole piece actually paints such a vivid imagery and I love how intimate and exciting it feels.
I think that second last stanza is the most powerful. Im just not liking the words 'glow of the moonlight'. Perhaps you could swap out glow for a different word? It just feels abit clique compared with the wording of the rest of the piece.

But yes, lovely piece. I really like this one. Sorry I haven't been leaving critique lately, im trying to get back into it :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconlulu-illussions:
lulu-illussions Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
I like the idea of the poem, it sounds lovely and sweet to me.
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:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconlastendingconductor:
lastendingconductor Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I really love the imagery, like you've set up a scene in a play and I can see what the actors are doing very well. In my eyes nothing is really wrong with the poem. My favorite line was, "I connect the freckles on your chest, creating our own constellations in the new milky ways" :)
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconlastendingconductor:
lastendingconductor Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
No prob! :D
Reply
:iconchristycameasromans:
christycameasromans Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I love how the words flow in this! Everything is good to me. Thumbs Up 
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:icongrimface242:
GrimFace242 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015   Writer
This starts out really strong and there are lots of really well conceived lines, but they're countered by highly cliched lines as well.  And there doesn't seem to be a set rhythm which throws off the reading of it.

Please don't read my comments wrong, it's not horrible or bad even.  Just would benefit from a little editing.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
For sure! Would you mind specifying which lines you find cliche?

I appreciate the critique!
Reply
:icongrimface242:
GrimFace242 Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2015   Writer
I'm not ignoring you.  I swear.  And I'm going to respond.  I just want to do it when I know I have enough time.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No problem, I totally understand! I'm a busy person too haha.  I really appreciate it. :)
Reply
:iconembucky:
Embucky Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Gorgeous descriptions. I love the consistency and inclusion of astronomical terms! :)

I think my favourite line is "
leaving me to longingly breathe you in 
like a passing summer breeze."
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconriencuran:
Riencuran Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Student General Artist
1) Extremely effective.  I felt like I was in a soft blue dream, if that makes any sense.
2) Not unclear at all.  Got it.
3) Deliciously so :D
4) "creating our own constellations
in these new milky ways
that erupt into existence wherever we touch"

I'm fighting the intense feelings of longing and loneliness and just want to curl up in this poem forever.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ooh I like how you put that!!

Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely words!  I'm so happy you enjoyed it. :heart:
Reply
:iconurban-lingo:
urban-lingo Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
the entire third stanza is beautiful.
"i savor how you shudder" is definitely going to haunt me for the next few days, months, maybe years.

you just can't forget a line like that
:heart:
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh that makes me very happy!  Thank you so much for reading and commenting :) 
Reply
:iconjemz8p:
jemz8P Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Student General Artist
I love this, the imagery and analogies are perfect. This poem makes me want to paint. It's just AWESOME. My favourite line is " that slow-dances in the air above your skin"
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :heart:  I love that it made you want to do art of your own :D
Reply
:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner May 17, 2013
Yes at the effective imagery, yes at the seductive atmosphere.
As for the awkward wording, there are two things I don't find utterly convincing:
makes my every nerve ending awaken,
craving the unknown taste of yours.

The repetition just bugs me a little. A tiny rewording, like "my every nerve end" or just "my every nerve", should take care of that.
And:
leaving me to desperately breathe you in
I don't quite like that "desperately"; it rings out of place with the quiet mood of the poem overall, and it doesn't really add anything to what the images in the rest of the stanza have already shown.

Favourite line, hands down:
The cool caress of your fingers across my lips
The alliterations gives it a spiky feel that really explains the awoken nerve endings and the crave in the following lines.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for pointing that out! I have changed it to simply "nerve". :)

Hmm, yes I agree with your dislike of the word "desperately" there as well...  Time to hit a thesaurus :P

I just did a significant revision after reading this piece over a year and a half later... I changed up what you said is your favourite line.  I would love to hear if you still enjoy the wording!

Thank you so much for your very helpful suggestions!
Reply
:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner May 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've read this twice now, and I still love it! :heart:

I spent last night
connecting the freckles on your chest
with ever-so-soft finger traces,
creating our own constellations
in these new milky ways
that erupt into existence wherever we touch.


and

I savour how you shudder:
a silent sigh of your body
as my hand brushes
the top of your spine,
:heart:

I wasn't sure of one thing, though:

and the way the little hairs rise
into the glow of the moonlight
that slow-dances in the air above your skin.
Maybe cut the last line in this? It felt really awkward while reading, and I think it still has that same image when you cut it off. But it's only opinion, no need to take it seriously. c:
Reply
:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That's understood :)

It reads like it does the last time. I think that's a good thing, I suppose? xD
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :D :hug:
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!  I have made a somewhat significant revision of this piece, and as you always give great suggestions, I'd love to hear what you think of it now :) 

However, I am quite attached to the "slow-dancing" part so I think this time I'm gonna keep it hehe :oops:
Reply
:iconsilverscreams999:
SilverScreams999 Featured By Owner May 15, 2013
I liked the description of sliding a hand up/down the spine
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconterrifiedtoforgetyou:
TerrifiedToForgetYou Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's like I am actually there. I love the imagery and how real you make things. The description of the skin and touch make me believe all love could be this simple and beautiful.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much, I'm glad. :)
Reply
:iconmkota:
Mkota Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Student Writer
Great work I could see it in my minds eye. I was there . I still am there. Thank you
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconangelicxdarkness:
angelicXdarkness Featured By Owner May 2, 2013
Wow this brought back so many memories, especially the second stanza. Excellent job.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much, I'm glad it did. :)
Reply
:iconsamisalsa:
SamiSalsa Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Student Writer
i agree with GuardianAngel3496. i felt like i was reliving a memory and i could picture everything like a movie. great job.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks a lot. :)
Reply
:iconsamisalsa:
SamiSalsa Featured By Owner May 4, 2013  Student Writer
welcome (:
Reply
:iconguardianangel3496:
GuardianAngel3496 Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Student General Artist
The best part of this for me was the imagery. I felt like a witness or like I was reliving a memory. You did really well expressing the seductiveness of this scene. In my opinion you succeeded in making the reader feel the emotion.
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much, I'm glad you think so :D
Reply
:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing:clap: Beautifully written.:love:
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:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :heart:
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:icondreamingmind-set:
DreamingMind-set Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem, it was lovely and I really enjoyed it.:deviation:
Reply
:iconcyberphantom:
CyberPhantom Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Love the first verse. Like the third. The ending is lovely. It's the second verse I'm having issue with. "Cool Caress" is two hard sounds that jolt a little to read aloud, and I'm not sure about the sentence structures of the second and third lines. It makes them become a little wordy and formal in something that started to artlessly and intimately. The idea of nerve endings seems a little scientific and clinical, and cuts me off from feeling it myself. Is there a way of saying it without showing?

Only use what's useful. It's your poem, and you know best what you were doing with it. Good work :) x
Reply
:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'll see what I can do! I really appreciate your input!
Reply
:iconfadinggrin:
FadingGrin Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The imagery is beautiful, though somehow I thought it was a lazy afternoon setting until I reached the part about moonlight slow-dancing above skin(which is a really beautiful image, in a slightly haunting way, but very powerful nonetheless).
As for my favorite line(s)... I'd have to say "I savour how you shudder: / a silent sigh of your body", mostly because it made me shudder alongside. Also, I personally dislike the choice of 'desperation' in the "leaving me to desperately breathe you in" line. Then again, I can't really offer a good substitute for it either, but to me, it rather disturbs the seductive atmosphere you're trying to(and for the most part, succeeding) evoke.
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:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much for your comment! I'm glad you liked those parts, and I'll see if I can find a better word for that line. :)
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:iconfadinggrin:
FadingGrin Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hope you will, always glad to see an awesome work get even more awesome(well, at least in my opinion). :)
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:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree! Thanks. :)
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:iconfadinggrin:
FadingGrin Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem.:)
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:iconanobrain:
anobrain Featured By Owner May 1, 2013
this is a really, really beautiful piece. the imagery is really effective, esp. on this part:
The cool caress of your fingers across my lips
makes my every nerve ending awaken

it provokes such a clear image but in a really gentle way, which is a really difficult thing to do.
i think there is definitely a seductive atmosphere to this poem, mostly from the neck hair and the nerve endings part.
my favourite line(s) would have to be the two that i quoted earlier - they really are lovely. well done :heart:
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:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner May 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much for reading and commenting, I'm glad you liked it. :)
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